


Winter Song

by wonderlandstreasurechest



Series: Merry and Bright [2]
Category: Power Rangers, Power Rangers Samurai
Genre: (Mama and Papa Shiba - Non Graphic), 5 Times, Christmas, Depression, Flashbacks, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Team as Family, canon character death, holiday fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-01 22:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2790293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderlandstreasurechest/pseuds/wonderlandstreasurechest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jayden’s never really cared for Christmas, but some years are better than others. (Or “Five Times Jayden Didn’t Want to Celebrate Christmas”)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winter Song

**Author's Note:**

> Song- Winter Song by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson  
> Season- Post-Super Samurai  
> “This is my winter song. December never felt so wrong, because you’re not where you belong: inside my arms.”

Every year was going to be different, he reminded himself, but this year was already hard.

Jayden stared at the tree, and the tree stared back at him. It whispered things in its silence, things he’d spent too long ignoring. Ignoring was never an easy task, he had learned. Even after years of practice, he still couldn’t see the trimmings or smell the pine of a Christmas tree without letting them replace him with emptiness.

***

Christmas came less than a month after his mother had passed, when Jayden was four. He hadn’t been able to find anything to be happy about, even seeing presents under the tree.

“You go first, Jayden,” An eight-year-old Lauren had smiled, passing him a box. She was trying to be happy for him, to make it easier, but he knew his sister didn’t feel like opening presents, either. He looked over to where their mother would have sat. The sight of her empty seat and her empty stocking left Jayden in tears, and he spent the rest of the day being passed between his father, Lauren and Ji, who all tried their best to make him feel better. Nothing stopped the hot tears except the sleep.

He went to bed that night, never wanting to see a Christmas tree ever again.

***

“Jayden?” Lauren asked, peeking around the corner into the living room of the Shiba House. She sighed with relief at finding her brother staring down the tree. “There you are. Are you still in your pajamas?”

“I just woke up,” He answered, reaching out and gingerly touching a quill on one of the pine branches. “What time is it?”

“A little after noon.” Lauren smiled, though her voice was concerned. She made her way over to him and wrapped an arm around his waist. “Jayden, you can’t sleep the whole month of December away, you know. I know you don’t like Christmas, but Ji said that the last few years you’ve—”

“I know,” He interrupted. Squeezing her shoulder in return, he managed a weak smile. “It was better, but I… I don’t know. I guess it was different with everyone here. This year it’s just…” His voice trailed.

“Well, they’re going to be here soon,” She reminded him. “Maybe it’ll be better again?”

“Maybe.” Jayden knew things probably wouldn’t feel so heavy after an afternoon with the team, but right now, there was a part of himself—and he was slightly ashamed at how large that part was—that wanted nothing but to curl back into the warmth of his bed. Ji’s voice in his head reminded him that sleeping wouldn’t solve anything. “I’ll go get ready.”  
Jayden pulled away from his sister, and made his way back to his room.

As he passed the kitchen, he stopped briefly to find Ji humming carols to himself and frosting sugar cookies for the company on their way. Jayden knew that having a household of two (or sometimes three, when Lauren was around), again, was an adjustment for his mentor. He knew how much Ji had enjoyed the last two years, and was sure that he must have missed Christmas in the years when it was just the two of them.

***

When Jayden was seven, he decided to decorate. He pulled out the stockings and lined them up on the floor in order, the way it should have been. He slowly traced his mother’s name as it was embroidered on the thick fabric. After staring at it for what felt like forever, he decided to put it back in the box. His father’s soon followed. He looked at the two left: his and Lauren’s. He considered putting Lauren’s back, too, but then it would just be him. Alone.

Lauren had left before Jayden had finished making her Christmas present: a book, written in his messy and imperfect kanji, telling a story about Lauren beating a whole Nighlok army. It was Antonio’s idea, but he was gone, now, too. He only had a few pages left, but couldn’t bring himself to finish it until he knew when she would be back.

“Mentor,” Jayden wandered into the kitchen where Ji was putting out cookies to cool. “When is Lauren coming back?”

Ji’s face fell and his brows knit. “Jayden, we talked about this…”

“I know,” He looked sadly at the book in his hand. “Dad’s with Mommy in heaven and they’re happy and Laurie’s going to be away training for a while. I just want to know how long ‘a while’ is.”

“We don’t know that,” Ji sighed. “I wish we did, Jayden, but we don’t.”

“Will she be here on Christmas?”

“No.”

“Can we skip Christmas this year?”

As the question fell from his mouth, he thought of Antonio, who had said he wished he was a samurai. He had told Jayden that he wanted to live with him in the Shiba House, instead of on his father’s houseboat. There were so many things, Jayden thought, he had that others didn’t, and he supposed he should be grateful for food, and his home, and for Ji, but then he thought of Lauren. She was alone, like he was, and Christmas, he thought, was for family. If they weren’t together, what was the point? He didn’t want anything that wasn’t his sister, and to receive anything else would have felt wrong. Skipping Christmas, ignoring its entire existence, was the easiest solution.

Even at that age, Jayden knew skipping Christmas upset his mentor, but Ji hadn’t forced anything. He kindly offered to send Lauren the book, if that’s what Jayden wanted, but Jayden refused. He would wait until the next year, when, surely, he thought, they’d be together once more.

But the next year came and went without Lauren, and the one after that just the same. Antonio’s fishing boat never came back, either. It was just Jayden, and even with Ji and the occasional visitor from the Tengen Gate, he was still… Alone.

As the years went by, there were less and less decorations: no more lights outside, no more wreaths or candy canes inside, but there was always a tree and a stocking for Jayden. Whether Christmas was celebrated in the Shiba House or not, December 25th never passed without Jayden wishing it was the 26th.

***

Jayden dressed quickly, making sure that he would be warm for his day out with his team—his friends. He had the better sense not to mention it to Lauren or the others-- it would only make them worry and he hated to make them worry--but it had been at least a week since he’d left the house. There was no point, without everyone. He didn’t have anywhere to go, really, and he knew that when everyone got there, it would be better. Surely, Mia would want to go into town with him, or Antonio would want to show off the new boat he'd written about in his letters, or if all else failed, he could always count on Kevin wanting to go for a run. It was probably wrong to depend so much on his friends, he realized, but he really needed their company. He spent the last few days reading, but he was running out of books.

He looked over to his bookshelf and realized it was where the baseball mitt Ji had gotten him two years ago had come to live.

Ji and Lauren were right about one thing: the last few years had been better. When the team first showed up, they’d presented something of a problem for Jayden. He was so used to doing things—namely, well, everything—by himself that he never really knew what to expect, and while the team had made some things harder for him, they’d made the holidays so much easier.

***

“Jayden?” Mia asked, Mike following her as they came into his bedroom, one December night their first year together. “We had a question…”

“Hm?” He studied them. Mia looked nervous, like she thought she was going to step on his toes. She got that way sometimes. Mike, on the other hand, looked like he was going to burst, but kept quiet, apparently having promised to let Mia do the talking.

“Well, you know, Christmas is coming up, and—”

“We don’t really do Christmas, here.” He said, quickly, hoping that would be the end of it. “Sorry, guys.”

“Dude, why not?” Mike pouted. “Christmas is the best!”

“What Mike means is,” Mia said, giving the Green Ranger a sidelong glance. “Christmas could be just the thing to brighten this place up, a little. You know, bring a little spirit into the house?”

“I don’t know…”

“Jayden, you’re such a Grinch!” Mike whined.

“A what?”

“The Grinch?” Mike repeated, as he and Mia exchanged looks. “He stole Christmas? His heart grew three sizes that day? Ringing any jingle bells?”

“Oh.” Jayden assumed it was some television thing. He hadn’t watched television in years.

“We’re just worried about you,” Mia said slowly. “You’ve been more distant than usual, lately.”

“You noticed, huh?” He withdrew a little.

All the others seemed excited for the holidays, much to Jayden’s discomfort. When Mia and Emily whispered excitedly about Christmas shopping, he pretended not to hear them, and when Mike wrote eggnog on the grocery list (and underlined it three times), he pretended not to see it. Even Kevin and Antonio had asked him what he wanted, but Jayden didn’t feel like he deserved anything so he’d just shrugged.

“It was kind of hard not to notice,” Mia answered. “We know that the holidays can be stressful—”

“It’s not that,” Jayden sighed. “It’s called seasonal affective disorder. It’s a kind of depression, I guess, but it’s just in the winter—every winter. Some years are better than others, but Christmas is the hardest part, and as soon as it’s over I start feeling more like myself again. Both my parents passed away right before Christmas and my…” He thought about Lauren, but Lauren was for thoughts and never words. “It’s always been the loneliest time for me.” 

“Oh.”

“Sorry, Jayden, we, uh, didn’t know.” Mike said, looking away.

It was exactly the reaction he didn’t want. He didn’t want them to be upset, he wanted them to be happy, even if he wasn’t. In a way, he felt like he owed them that, at least. It wasn’t enough, even, to make up for putting their lives in constant danger and lying to them about who he was. He owed them way more than Christmas.

“You know,” He said, stopping Mike and Mia as they were backing out of his room. “It’s been a while since my last real Christmas, and it’s not exactly like it’s been lonely around here since you guys came. If you really want, we could give it a try.”

“Yes!” Mike exclaimed, doing a small victory dance. “You won’t regret this, okay? We’re going to have so much fun, I promise! I’m going to go tell Mentor!” He rushed out, leaving Mia and Jayden.

“It’s going to be okay,” Mia smiled. “It might not feel like it, but this could be a fresh start if you let it.”

“I’ll give it a try,” Jayden repeated and smiled back, but he wasn’t sure.

That Christmas, Ji may have gone a little over the top playing Santa, but it was okay. The whole Shiba House seemed to light up. Mike’s particular enthusiasm about Christmas did ease some of Jayden’s emptiness and Mia was always close by, watching him and ready to intervene with a pep talk. The strange thing was, although he had faked his way through the whole ordeal for the sake of the team, by the end of it, he was actually enjoying himself on Christmas. He found himself wondering if Mia was right: if this really was a new beginning for him and the holidays. He couldn’t be sure, but it was really starting to feel that way.

***

A knock on the front door tore Jayden from his memories. They were here.

He straightened up his room quickly, and rushed to the front door, where Ji and Lauren were taking coats from Mike and Emily. There were hugs and smiles, and laughs about the weather. Mike told a story about how Emily’s horse, Sprout, seemed to like him best, and Emily assured everyone that Serena was feeling much better, but not ready to travel quite yet. As the stories were shared and Lauren told Mike and Emily one about her latest globetrotting trip, Jayden realized that since they came in, he’d forgotten how tired he’d been feeling.

Another knock on the door came not too long after Ji had brought out the cookies and cocoa and Jayden found himself springing to his feet to answer. He found Kevin, Mia and Antonio, who, apparently had all shared a laugh about their timing as they’d run into each other at the gate.

“It’s so nice to have everyone together,” Ji beamed as he brought in yet more cookies. Jayden laughed, wondering if they’d be able to eat them all by New Year’s.

“Already better than last Christmas,” Kevin said, helping himself to a snowflake shaped one with blue frosting. Carbs were his new best friend, even though he was still on a week off from training.

“Last Christmas?” Lauren asked, between sips of cocoa. “What happened last Christmas?”

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart—mpfttt—” Mike’s singing was stopped suddenly as a cookie was shoved into his mouth, making it impossible to continue. Kevin smiled triumphantly, brushing crumbs from his fingers.

 

“Maybe you should leave the carols to us,” Antonio smiled, putting his arm around Mia’s shoulders. They exchanged a conspiratorial smile.

“Last year,” Emily cut in dutifully, turning to Lauren. “We were stuck in the Megazord all of Christmas Eve, and some of Christmas day. It was awful! Plus, we may have worried a year off mentor’s life because of how long it took us to get home.”

“That’s terrible!” Lauren agreed.

“But luckily,” Mike said, swallowing the last of the cookie so kindly gifted to him. “I was around to get us out of there.”

“I don’t think you’re remembering that quite right…” Kevin started, but Jayden stopped him with a shake of his head.

“Either way,” Jayden cut in, smiling sheepishly. “We were lucky. We got to spend the day together and celebrated Christmas when it was all over.”

***

Jayden woke up on the second Christmas Eve with the team, feeling awful. His stomach was in knots, his forehead was sweaty, and his throat felt swollen. He was sure that he had strep throat or the flu or something, and it was all the more reason to stay in bed.

Of course, just as he came to this resolution, the gap sensor went off.

If there was one thing better suited to distract him from Christmas than sickness, it was a fight. And for the most part, it seemed to do just that. Maybe they finished him off a little quickly for Jayden’s liking—a longer distraction might have been better—but the fact was the team was getting stronger.

The Megazord battling went off virtually without a hitch as well, and Jayden was surprised to find himself wondering if he’d be back in time for the good stuff about Christmas. It turned out that there were some good things about the formerly dreaded holiday; like Ji’s Christmas cookies, or ambushing Kevin with snowballs when he was training (Mike had taught him how to do this covertly and he found it pretty amusing), or watching old Christmas movies with Mia and Emily. All those good things hadn’t kept him from dreading the day up to this point, of course, and he was having a difficult time sorting out the way he felt about everything.

But without fail, just as he decided he might have the best Christmas start to finish he’d ever had, the Megazord had to break down. That was the real irony: just when he was learning to give Christmas a shot, he was going to miss it. Maybe, he thought, it was a sign that he should have stayed in bed after all.

He spent the Christmas Eve in the Megazord with the team, still feeling a little sick and wondering if this meant Christmas was going to get easier or harder from here on out. It was strange that he had looked forward to it, even if only occasionally, and stranger yet that he felt he was missing out by not being at the house, but strangest of all that, while he felt all these things, part of him still didn’t want to celebrate Christmas.

“Don’t worry, Mike,” He heard Emily’s consoling voice. “It’s not so bad being stuck here. Maybe we don’t have a tree, but we are together.”

“And that’s what matters!” Mia agreed.

To be together with people he loved on Christmas was really all Jayden had wanted. At first, maybe that meant his parents and Lauren, but the team was just as much his family now. He supposed that if Christmas was going to happen every year, and his friends wanted to celebrate with him, he could learn to love Christmas after all, if that was even possible. All he knew was that as long as he possibly could, he was going to try.

***

Every year was going to be different, Jayden knew, as he pulled the piano bench out for Mia and sat beside her. Lauren placed the book of carols on the stand and Mia plucked out a few chords. Antonio hummed, leaning with each hand on one of Jayden’s shoulders. Emily rested her head against Mike and he wrapped an arm around her waist. Kevin pulled up two chairs, one for himself and one for Ji, and as they sat, Mia began playing.

Maybe, Jayden thought, turning the pages of the piano book, Christmas was going to be different, every year, too.

Christmas had once been for family.

It was once a day that only reminded him of things he’d lost.

It hadn’t been as bad as he thought.

It was an obligation to friends.

But as Lauren and Mia laughed at Antonio’s exuberance over a line about five golden rings, and Kevin and Emily tried to keep Mike from interpreting what the lords a’ leaping would look like, he decided that Christmas was about love. And he had love for his friends, who were his family, and for his family who were his friends and that love didn’t care who was there or away, or how long it had been since he’d seen them last.

Every year was going to be different, Jayden thought one last time, but the love would always be the same.


End file.
